she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
