Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
