Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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