I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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