don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
