I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i believe in u and ur pee
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