i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
