and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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