Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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