Ambien. No doubt about it.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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