4 words: hood of his car
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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