So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
