Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
