she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
