I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm just crazy horny about you
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
