Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
