he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
