he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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