so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
