I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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