so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
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I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch