then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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