There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Randomize
