A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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