I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
