discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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