i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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