The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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