she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
All I want is dick and wine.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
