i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
