So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
