i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
