apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
