He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We had to coat check the pizza.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Houston, we have a blender
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
