Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
