Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
home. puking in laundry basket.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
