This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
