Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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