I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
