So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
