There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
