Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
