Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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