My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.