so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
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Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.