I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came