hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The air was thick with penises
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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