mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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