I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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