you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
