There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
