Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
