your parents love me but you hate me
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
