There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
