Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
