I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
