Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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