I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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