nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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