If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
