All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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